What is emotional betrayal and how to recognize it: the psychologist explains

For many people, the concept of betrayal in a relationship is associated only with intimacy, but there is also emotional betrayal. At the same time, not every random thought about someone who is not your partner can be considered a betrayal.

What is emotional infidelity and where is the line between it and platonic intimacy with another person outside of your relationship – explained Psychologist Chivonna Childs, PhD, for the Cleveland Clinic.

What is emotional infidelity?

Emotional betrayal occurs when you have a close emotional connection with another person, and you hide it from your partner.

If you build an emotional connection with another person for a long time, you may feel a gap in your own relationship. The reason is simple – it happens because a strong emotional connection with someone else can interfere with your ability to maintain an emotional connection with the person you love.

“There’s a saying that you can’t serve two masters at the same time, because you’ll love one and hate the other. Sometimes when we get into (serious) relationships, they end up either lacking in communication, or our needs aren’t being met, or they become so routine that we want to distract ourselves and need something exciting.

This fascination may appear in the form of a “new relationship”, but we do not realize that it is all a fantasy. – says Dr. Childs.

Emotional infidelity is the same form of infidelity as kissing or having sex, as it can destroy the trust and emotional connection between partners. And also – to become the beginning of other mentioned forms of treason.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that texting, talking openly, or making emotional connections with other people should always be classified as “emotional cheating.”

So when is emotional intimacy with another person cheating?

Emotional betrayals often begin as friendships, Childs says. Some platonic relationships can slowly develop into a deep emotional attachment, when you begin to find the other person attractive, feel a physical attraction to them – a “chemistry” that “detaches” from a marriage or partnership.

First of all, Dr. Childs notes that in healthy relationships it is perfectly normal to establish emotional connections with other people. There is nothing wrong with openly discussing important life events, successes or disappointments, for example with friends or work colleagues. However, there is an important nuance that can help to recognize whether interactions with other people can be an emotional betrayal of your partner.

According to the psychologist, you should answer the following questions:

• Are you comfortable sharing with your partner the details of your co-worker/friend relationship and the conversations you have?
• Do you hide social media conversations and messages from this person?
• How would you feel or react if your partner behaved the same way you did?
• Are these interactions helping or hurting your relationship?

“These can be difficult questions, but if they’re difficult to ask, you might be doing something you shouldn’t be doing.” – notes Dr. Childs.

If you feel that your spouse or partner is taking a back seat, and someone else is in the first place – perhaps the emotional dynamics of your relationship have changed. Dr. Childs points out that if you immerse yourself in communication and emotional connection with another person without relying on an emotional connection with your partner, you may be missing something in the relationship.

“We don’t always realize that we see other people with whom we have emotional relationships only at work or in a limited space and time.

You see your partner every day. You live a real life with him. But the other person with whom you have an “affair” (meaning an emotional connection) is not real life. It’s just snippets, so it’s easy to fall in love with her because she doesn’t tell the whole story.” adds Childs.

Emotional betrayal in action: what it is

It is worth realizing that every relationship is unique, as is the limit of what is allowed in it. However, according to the psychologist, there is a list of actions that can be classified as emotional betrayal. In particular, if you:

• thoughts are focused on a person who is not your partner;
• feel excited when thinking about this person;
• compare a stranger with your partner;
• delete or hide messages or phone calls with a third party;
• “turn on” a protective reaction when your partner or someone else mentions a person with whom you have an emotional connection in a conversation;
• feel increased irritability or anger towards your partner after communicating with a person outside the relationship to whom you have developed an attachment;
• share important details of your life that you hide from your partner;
• discuss or solve your relationship problems with a third party, not with your partner;
• you notice that interest in sexual relations with your partner is “fading”, but at the same time you fantasize about intimacy with another person;
• you feel an emotional “abyss” and lack of interest in sexual relations with your partner directly during this process;
• stopped expressing their needs in the relationship;
• stopped having deep, intimate conversations with their partner.

“You know you’re cheating emotionally when you feel the same way you felt when you fell in love with someone.

That feeling of excitement when your heart is pounding. The problem is that it takes up a lot of time and energy that your real relationship lacks because you no longer care about it the way you care about your (emotional) “affair”. – says Chivonna Childs.

How to overcome emotional betrayal and save a relationship

If you find yourself thinking that you have feelings for someone outside of your relationship, it’s important to to admitthat it happened, and then try to understand why.

“Very often we fall into this unintentionally. If you notice this and realize that you don’t want to do it (instead you want to save the relationship) – stop now. Procrastinating only makes it worse.” – emphasizes Childs.

She advises explaining to an outsider why you are ending an emotional connection, how you will interact further (if you are, for example, colleagues) and establish boundaries that would not “beat” your relationship with your partner.

The next stage is to prevent possible future emotional betrayals: to find out together with your partner what you (or your loved one) lack or what is “not working” specifically in your relationship. This can be done with the help of a psychotherapist, adds Childs.

“Individual therapy can help you figure out what it is that you’re missing that’s causing you to seek out another person, whether you’re doing it on purpose or not. Couples counseling is also important for relationships because just one person can’t hold it together or destroy”– notes the psychologist.

If your partner has confessed to emotional infidelity, or you yourself have felt that the distance between you is growing, the key to restoring your connection is talking about what needs to be done to meet the needs of both and restore trust in each other.

Ask questions, but be prepared for answers and even the lack of answers, because emotional betrayal is often associated with shame, guilt or regret, which can make the conversation difficult.

“If we are attuned to our relationship, we know when someone is moving away. You will have a lot of questions, and you need space for them. Most likely, such space will appear in family counseling (with a psychologist).” – says Childs.

If you are serious about “starting with a clean slate”, changes in the relationship are necessary. The psychologist advises every week without fail allocate at least one dayintended only for the two of you – to to communicate and spend time together.

It is important to periodically “check” how things are going in your relationship: ask if there is something that your partner needs from you and vice versa; what he or she is feeling, sharing one’s feelings and letting go of resentment. In simple words – to strengthen the emotional connection with each other with the help of dialogue.

“The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. If you feel that way, maybe you should water your own grass?” – says Dr. Childs.

At the same time, she admits that not always both partners are ready to continue saving the relationship after an episode that damaged trust. And if after “trials and errors” it was not possible to restore it, or someone in the couple feels that the feelings “went out”, perhaps it is worth thinking about whether it is necessary to continue such a relationship.