“You don’t know what you’re talking about”: how to avoid gaslighting during family holidays
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Sometimes conversations at the family table are not very pleasant. Phrases may be heard: “You don’t know what you’re talking about” or “Why are you in a bad mood today?” This can be one of the manifestations of gaslighting.
What is gaslighting, how to recognize it and what to do when it occurs in the family – told Psychology Today.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation, with the help of which a person is made to doubt the adequacy of his perception of reality.
Family members often get together during holidays. If there is a gaslighter among your relatives, the chances of meeting him increase significantly.
| How to avoid gaslighting during family holidays. Photo: JackF/Getty Images |
The goal of gaslighters is to control and undermine self-esteem. That is why such people often look for controversial topics to talk about and spread false narratives about their “victim”, focusing on their mistakes or failures in the past.
For example, if an adult was quite sensitive as a child, a gaslighter can talk about him as a small, helpless child. When it happens in the family, there can be many facts and stories to manipulate.
How to recognize gaslighting?
First, it is necessary to analyze the behavior of the “suspect” in gaslighting. In particular, it is worth paying attention to:
- denying or hiding certain actions or desires: “I never did that/said that/didn’t want that”
- trivialization of feelings: “Why are you so emotional/hysterical/funny/negative?”
- blame shifting: “Why are you talking about this if you’re the one to blame for our problems?/How can you complain about this if you don’t care about me?”
- using stereotypes: “You really don’t know what you’re talking about/You’re too young to understand.”
Secondly, it is necessary to appeal to your feelings. Gaslighting can cause:
- self-doubt;
- perplexity;
- constant apologies;
- uncertainty about the correctness of one’s feelings;
- difficulties with decision-making;
- feeling out of control.
How to avoid gaslighting in the family?
First, you need to create a physical space between you and the gaslighter. During the celebration, you should sit as far as possible from the manipulator, do not start a conversation with him and do not perform joint tasks – for example, do not set the table together or do not prepare a certain dish.
It is important to leave personal space even during the period of family holidays. It is worth following your daily habits, in particular, being physically active and going for walks. If possible, it is better not to spend the night in the same room with a gaslighter.
Try to be positive by spending as much time as possible with the family member with whom you have the most in common. You can also discuss your feelings and emotions with this person.
However, the most important thing is to stay “in touch” with yourself. After the experience of communicating with a gaslighter, it is worth contacting a psychotherapist or even just a friend who can support.
If you are not ready for possible communication with a manipulator, it is better to refuse general family holidays and spend them only with those people who do not harm your psychological health.
Read also: You can’t please everyone, or why the “good girl” syndrome has a harmful effect on life
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