“Give me back my normal child”: how to support a teenager during war

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The psychological state of teenagers is affected not only by war, but also by confused and anxious adults. Ukrainian teenagers are generally well adapted to life in the war, especially those who stayed with their families in Ukraine. They worry about typical age challenges – socializing with friends, falling in love, personal boundaries, strained relationships with parents. However, it is critically important for them to lean on a confident, calm and supportive adult to calmly go through teenage turbulence. On the other hand, parents are far from always able to cope with such a role against the background of war – they worry about their children (sometimes excessively), are more aware of the risks, are greatly exhausted from background stress or difficult life circumstances, and cannot withstand their own emotions. How to maintain common sense and relationships with a teenage child? We are talking to psychologists of the Children’s Voices Foundation, Olena Ivanova and Ruslana Moroz. *** Adolescence is a difficult test for the whole family, regardless of the circumstances in the country. “I usually tell parents that they have to survive this period. The war can increase the challenges, but it was always difficult with teenagers. And that’s normal. It’s also very, very difficult for the children themselves during this period,” says Olena Ivanova. Photo: Wavebreakmedia/Depositphotos Hormonal changes occur in a teenager’s body, which affect mood and behavior. In particular, at this stage, children: have sharp mood swings and unstable self-esteem. It is no longer childish, when “I am the center of the universe and everything revolves around me”, but it is not yet stable and can fluctuate from self-admiration to self-hatred. conflicting in their needs: they want independence and feel like adults, but at the same time they are extremely in need of support and acceptance. strive to defend their borders. This is manifested in the need for one’s own space, literally and figuratively. Sometimes teenagers are belligerent and rebellious in defending these needs. realize the imperfection of their parents and the whole world and learn to live with it. begin to focus more on the norms of the environment, rather than the family. All this can scare both parents and teenagers themselves. “Sometimes parents come with a request: “Something happened to my child, give me back my normal child,” says Ruslana Moroz. – However, there is no need to return anything, this is the age norm.” It is important for teenage children that they are simply listened to. So that they have the feeling that an adult is confident, calm, in control of the situation and will be there in spite of everything. “I am here, I am always with you, just tell me if you need my help – I will listen to everything, accept you and will not judge or criticize you. I’m for you, no matter what happens.” It is important to give the teenager the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from these mistakes. At the same time, you should give adequate feedback: that it will not always be the way the child wants; that everyone has their responsibilities; that rules and agreements must be followed. You should pay special attention if the teenager’s normal physiological functions are disturbed: if the child does not sleep at night, refuses to eat or clearly overeats, suddenly stops communicating with anyone and has no friends at all. If he seems depressed or causes physical harm to oneself – selfharm. The first separation begins at about three years of age, when the child says: “I am alone! I will dress myself and I want a pink dress, not pants!”. Then it develops during school – the child must learn independence there, has a certain responsibility. Now that school is online, first because of the coronavirus, then because of the war, it is much more difficult: parents also often work at home, control children, help them, and they lose a sense of responsibility. Normally, by the age of 18-21, a person is already separated from his parents – he wants to live separately, build his own life. But against the background of war, this process becomes more complicated and can be delayed or just to undergo changes. Why teenagers and their parents turn to psychologists Psychologists are rarely visited when everything is fine. Therefore, professional observations do not fully describe reality, says Olena Ivanova. Also, people rarely turn to psychologists in a state of acute grief, says Ruslana Moroz. Perhaps that is why there are relatively few applications from teenagers who are experiencing the loss of loved ones due to the war.In the experience of Olena Ivanova, there are two categories of requests from families with teenagers: the first are those who left Ukraine due to the war, and the second are those who remain here. Ukrainian teenagers may find it difficult to adapt to a new environment abroad. Against the background of adolescence, they sometimes have exaggerated requirements for themselves, so they are ashamed to speak a foreign language if they do not have a perfect command of it. At the same time, due to stress, it is much more difficult for them to master new things and learn. Some of them faced ridicule and withdrew into themselves. “The inability to communicate and find a group has a strong effect on the fact that teenagers become withdrawn, their self-esteem decreases, their mood deteriorates, and they can fall into a prolonged negative state, when everything is annoying, everything is bad, and life has no meaning,” says Olena Ivanova. In addition, children abroad often have many questions about violation of personal boundaries. Not even a violation, but in the literal sense of the impossibility of establishing them – children often live in common rooms with relatives and do not have the opportunity to be alone and feel their own territory, although they strongly need it. According to Ruslana Moroz’s experience, teenagers abroad are often prone to self-harm, depression and suicidal thoughts. To support a teenager in a difficult time of age changes and adaptation abroad, it is worth: giving the opportunity to communicate with friends online. Gadgets are usually positioned as evil, but at least this kind of communication is better than none at all. It is also important to maintain a connection between those who left and those who stayed. So that teenagers see that they have different problems, but there are also similar ones. to create common habits and tasks: for example, learning a language together or speaking it with each other is a signal “we will manage together”. ask for help. There are now many online support programs from various foundations and organizations. This should not be neglected. talk to your children, teach them to negotiate, ask: “What can I do for you?”. try to provide at least minimal personal space for the child – when everyone leaves the room, and the child is left alone for at least a few hours, when he can hang a poster above his bed and so on. Teenagers in Ukraine are relatively better adapted to the war: sirens, alarms, explosions and sad news than those who left. Only a small percentage of inquiries concern the violation of the adolescent’s condition precisely because of the war – that he is afraid to sleep, anxious, and so on. Mostly, it is difficult for teenagers to get used to the restrictions imposed by the war on their usual life – sometimes it is the impossibility of going out on their own, to clubs. “I work in Mykolaiv, and there are enough risks, especially when Kherson has not yet been liberated. Teenagers’ communication is practically reduced to online: school is online and everything else too. Now sports sections have already opened in Mykolaiv, and this is a great relief for children,” he says Olena Ivanova. At the same time, even more restrictions and pressure can be created by parents who are worried and turn on hypercare. Parents are more afraid than children. War is far from always the cause of hyperopia: it could have been in peacetime, but it intensified with the war. “Then parents need to start with themselves. Contact a psychologist and work out their own anxieties, learn to stabilize their emotional state. It is very important for a child to see that parents master their fears, have an action plan, know what to do. Then children have support and also learn take care of yourself,” says Olena Ivanova. Ruslana Moroz advises parents to find the golden mean between control and anxiety and between the normal life of the child – “otherwise it is a concern purely for oneself, and not for the child.” “We have just adapted a little – and again the news gives a setback: another shelling with dead people, blowing up of the dam and so on. Probably, it is possible to stabilize thanks to the thought that today, unfortunately, this is our life. And we cannot put on pause. Yes, we must take care of safety, but we must also try to live a normal life, look for opportunities for communication, development, and education for children,” says Olena Ivanova. There are families where teenagers have taken on the role of parents. For example, if the mother is confused during or after moving to a new country, the child can take responsibility, make decisions, and become a support. From the experience of Ruslana Moroz, this often happens in military families. If the father serves in the army, it can make the child grow up and lose his carefreeness in an instant. The child feels as if he should be at home instead of dad, as an adult and responsible. Children immediately give up their favorite hobbies, do not allow themselves to spend time on themselves. At such moments, it is important for parents to see that the roles have shifted and put everything back in its place. If this does not happen, the child can separate from his parents faster, growing up faster. Or maybe vice versa – feeling responsible for mom or dad and not being able to “leave” them for a long time. The other extreme is when children on the background of war regress in their behavior, begin to behave as if they are younger than their age. It is necessary to pay attention to this and gradually help the child to return the skills that he already had – to adapt him again to trips to the store, to all the usual tasks and tasks. At the same time, it is important for parents to understand that this regression is temporary and normal, that it is a way for the psyche to cope with stress and will definitely pass. And if the child asks to lie down in bed with her and read a fairy tale, why not, even if she is 14 years old. It can be a fairy tale, a song, a toy – anything that was in the life of a teenager before a full-scale invasion. It gives a sense of continuity of life, stability and support. A temporary regression in behavior should not affect the separation process if the adult’s response is adequate and supportive. From the observations of Ruslana Moroz, teenagers are increasingly turning to psychologists for help on their own and have no preconceptions that this is not cool. At the same time, it is important that they have family support in this and can afford not only crisis appeals for free psychological help, but also regular communication with a psychologist, if necessary. “The only thing a teenager needs is love, support and respect,” says Ruslana Moroz. “Not even like that. First, respect, and then support and love.”

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