“My child is being bullied at school because we are IDPs”: what parents should do and how to support their child
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Let’s say you moved from a front-line city to relative safety. At the same time, your (usually diligent) child has lost interest in learning, tries to miss school under any pretext, looks sad and confused. Perhaps it is not just a teenage rebellion, but problematic relationships with classmates, but the reason may also be bullying at school.
Throwing things, name-calling, physical abuse – all this can lead to unwillingness to attend school.
Psychologists of the “Voices of Children” charitable foundation have noticed that recently they have received more frequent inquiries about bullying, especially for children of IDPs. How to support a child, how to communicate with teachers, why you can’t ignore bullying – says the psychologist of the foundation Kateryna Basil.
How to distinguish bullying from an ordinary quarrel
Conflicts between children are part of growing up. It often happens that children have not shared something, quarreled and do not talk. Sometimes a quarrel is quickly exhausted and never happens again. Then it’s not bullying.
| Photo: belchonock/Depositphotos |
Bullying is a purposeful and repeated act of harm by one child to another. For example, name-calling, insults, humiliation, threats, psychological or physical violence, pushing, beating, spoiling things, etc. It is important that the attacks are aimed at the same child and happen over and over again.
Ten- to eleven-year-old children are mostly prone to bullying. In preschoolers, aggression is not conscious. The teacher quickly solves the problem and explains to the child what is wrong. Bullying is also not very typical for elementary school. Bullying mostly manifests itself after ten years. Why?
It is at this age that questions arise – who am I in this world and why did I appear here? Children begin to assert themselves and compete. It is important for them to attract attention to themselves and to look like an authority to others.
Babies also shout and act aggressively to get their parents’ attention. However, teenagers compete not only for parental care, but also for the recognition of society. Not understanding how to achieve it, they often try to attract attention by aggressively attacking their peers.
A child of an IDP is in the risk group
For bullies, it is important to feel superior to another child, as well as to set others against them. Physically stronger, taller children, or those whose parents have a better financial situation, often show aggression. Appearance, things, clothes, gadgets – anything can become an object of competition. In this sense, IDP children are at risk.
They may have an unstable emotional state, and therefore need more support and attention from adults. The challenges of an unexpected and often unwanted change in lifestyle and place of life are added to the problems of adolescence. Because of this, children of immigrants can be a little confused, inattentive or unmotivated.
Integration into the class is always an initiation into an already formed adolescent community. In the new class, IDP children must regain the status they had in the previous circle of communication. In the course of moving or during their life in the front-line territories, IDP children could witness terrible events, experience the loss of their homes, relatives, and ultimately, their favorite things. This makes them more vulnerable. At the age of 10-11, such sensitivity can be perceived as weakness, and therefore – a reason for bullying.
Psychologists of the “Voices of Children” charitable foundation dealt with cases of bullying both by IDP children and those directed against IDP children. Among the reasons are appearance, academic success, family wealth, the uniqueness of the region, etc.
Bowlers also have problems
When it comes to bullying, it is imperative to work with both sides of the conflict. Children who bully and bully others need the help and support of adults no less than victims of bullying.
A common reason for bullying is a child’s low self-esteem. External superiority and petulance of a teenager is often the result of an inability to cope with internal problems. The need to bully others can be caused by an oppressive atmosphere in the family. For example, parents put pressure on a teenager at home, and at school he or she already takes out aggression on others.
In working with a buller, it is necessary, first of all, to understand the nature of his behavior and psycho-emotional state. The desire to hurt another is only a compensatory mechanism. In fact, this child is in pain. It is critically important to find out the cause of aggression and work with it, not with the consequences.
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| Photo: HayDmitriy/Depositphotos |
How to act like an adult
In a changing world, it is impossible to provide children with an absolutely comfortable environment for growth. The task of parents is to teach them to cope with the challenges that this uncertain world presents to them. A child who has faced bullying must first of all find family support. Despite the declared autonomy, it is difficult for the teenager to cope with the problem on his own.
Parents should find an approach to the child and talk, give advice on how to react, whom to turn to for help, etc. In no case should you shift the blame for bullying to the victim and act out the scenario “it’s your fault”. Adults should encourage not to ignore bullying, explain that there is nothing shameful in seeking help from a teacher, head teacher or school psychologist.
Often, classmates’ bullying of a child infuriates parents so much that they can break down and start a scandal at home. However, in such a situation, it is precisely important to curb emotions. The calmness of adults will help the child cope with his own emotional state. Having found out the details of the problem, parents should have a balanced talk with teachers and administration.
Parents of a child who is being abused should never “re-educate” a teenager who shows aggression on their own. Adults do not have the right to interfere in the upbringing of children of other families. The school administration and the psychologist should become a mediator between the parties to the conflict. We remember that the reason for bullying is the unstable psycho-emotional state of the buller himself. Blaming such a child can only deepen his problems.
If the school administration does not respond to the appeals of children and parents about cases of bullying, does not try to find the root cause of the conflict and punishes the bully, it is probably worth thinking about changing the educational institution.
Before moving and changing schools, internally displaced persons should talk to children about bullying, explain why it happens and how to behave in a new environment. For example, it is important for bowlers that the victim is offended or angry. Therefore, you can advise the child to avoid direct reactions to bullying, and instead report the case to the class teacher, psychologist or any adult at school.
A trusting parent-child relationship is a guarantee that the child will share school problems. Building such relationships is a daily task. Parents should pay attention not only to their children’s problems, but also to their own psycho-emotional states. Perhaps the child reflects them. Often, in order to become a support for a teenager, you must first understand yourself.
Maryana Matveychuk, especially for UP. Life
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