Shelling of Kyiv: what I tell children when they are scared

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Children’s Protection Day began with the murder of a child by Russian scum in Kyiv. It is impossible to comprehend and impossible to forgive. The children of any of us Kyivans could have been in her place, and the realization of this fact is heart-pounding – even if there are no direct hits, you never know where the debris will fall next time. The first reaction is to run away somewhere again, as I have already taken my children abroad for several months twice during a full-scale war. But if we include a cold mind, do the victims in Kyiv mean that everyone should urgently take the children out of the city? For our family, this day began almost as usual: the children, frightened by the explosions, go out into the corridor, where we hug them, sit them on chairs and remind them that what we hear is the work of the Air Defense Forces, which protects us. Soon the explosions subside, we start joking, talking about something extraneous, then we hug once more and go to sleep for the night. My son is 9 years old, and my daughter is 14 years old. In early March, we returned to Kyiv after wintering abroad. The first two months of spring were a real gift of fate – almost no shelling. And in May, when the “fraternal people” carried out 17 air attacks on the capital, the children, as expected, became nervous. The son is generally quite brave and sleeps more soundly – he usually does not wake up during night air defense operations, and during the recent daytime shelling he endured the sounds of explosions without much concern. Here, however, it should be noted that explosions in our area are usually not as loud as in the city center. One of those times, when the son did wake up at night from the explosions, he asked: “Are we going somewhere again?”. I replied, “If Dad and I think the risks are high, I’ll do everything I can to keep you safe. So far it’s scary and loud, but not that dangerous. The air defenses have gotten very strong lately and are protecting us well. Therefore, we should not leave, but work with our fear, tame it, become stronger.” “Then why do we move away from the windows during shelling or go into the corridor?”. “Because the greatest risk now is the fragments of falling missiles or drones. Sometimes they knock out windows or even an external wall. And the further we stand from windows and external walls, the safer we are.” Such an explanation satisfied him at this stage. It is more important for the son to see the confidence and normal psychological state of his parents, who can support him. That is why it is so important to take care not only of children, but also of yourself. In addition, during the “time free from shelling” we try to provide him with physical movement, walks, communication, a circle and some positive impressions – for example, a trampoline or a trip to a museum. And let someone say: “They forgot that there is a war – they are jumping on a trampoline.” Children (and adults too) now desperately need something that gives them a sense of joy in life, fills them with strength and creates a kind of “pillow” that helps in times of emotional difficulties. Another thing is that you should not forget to help the military and volunteers to the best of your ability. But the teenage daughter is more anxious and often wakes up at night from the work of PPO. She sits in the corridor almost all the time during the air raid alert (and she does it right), and she has to be calmed down. “Why don’t we go anywhere? We are shelled almost every day,” she asked recently. I thought for a moment, because I really understand this condition well. At first you want to go somewhere safe, then you start to miss your home, your husband, your relatives, classes and meetings, you feel out of place and you realize that objectively the risks are not as great as they seem directly during the shelling. And that greater risks, but not of a military plan, can be in any village and any country. “I know you’re scared and worried. It’s a normal reaction to an abnormal situation – we all shouldn’t be woken up at night by explosions. But in reality, the risks of dying or being injured from shelling are much lower than from a car accident or some other emergency. Even in May with his constant shelling”. “How is it? There are casualties from shelling.” Understanding that the prefrontal cortex of the brain, which should control the amygdala, where our anxiety “lives” and the “emotional” limbic system in general, is not yet fully developed in teenagers, I still try to appeal to logic. Because lately my child is very open to clear logical arguments – he reads popular science literature, is interested in the topics of media literacy, evidence-based medicine and scientific approaches in general. In fact, it is also difficult for adults to turn on their head and turn off their “alarm button” in emotional moments. But it is necessary. That’s why I’m going to look for statistics. During the full-scale war, general mortality statistics for Kyiv are not published, but they are available for 2021 and for January 2022 on the website of the main statistics office of the city. On average, in one month of 2021, 3,769 people died in Kyiv, of which 2,030 died from diseases of the circulatory system, 640 from Covid, and 450 from neoplasms. But since older people die most often from these main causes, it is not correct to make a comparison with shelling, it is necessary to look at the external causes of death, which do not depend on age. On average, in 2021, 116 people died every month in Kyiv from external causes. Of these, 11 were from road accidents, 13 were intentional self-inflicted injuries (which are also statistically classified as external causes of death), 6 were murders, 3 were drowned, 2 were fires, and 1 were poisoned. For simplicity, I round to whole numbers. Now about shelling. There were no casualties from shelling in Kyiv in March and April. In May – two (May 28 and 30). We do not take the injured into account now, because there are injured after road accidents, and after attacks, and fires, and other accidents, and it is impossible to find accurate statistics here. It turns out that even in May, when we were shelled almost every day, and even three times a day, sometimes dozens of missiles and drones were released at once, thanks to our air defense titans, the probability of dying from shelling in Kyiv was approximately 58 times lower than in 2021 annual probability of dying from other external causes; 5.5 times less than from a road accident; 6 times less than from suicide; three times less likely to die from homicide and about the same as the chance of dying from a fire not caused by gunfire. And if you are not outside during the shelling and move away from the windows, this probability decreases by a certain number of times. The beginning of the day on June 1, even if you try to perceive it with a cool head, has already worsened the statistics of deaths from shelling. And what will happen next is unknown. But I still hope that such cases will not become frequent. “You understand,” I say, “why I’m not in a hurry to go somewhere? We always have a certain, small, risk of dying or getting hurt from something. But we don’t avoid driving in transport, although it’s still many times more dangerous than getting into Kyiv under shelling. If we lived somewhere in the eastern regions, the situation would be completely different, and we would definitely leave there. I can’t even imagine the risks that those who are fighting on the front lines now face, but they do it for the sake of all of us.” There is one more point. Avoidance is a bad, losing strategy that does not lead to development. Whether it is avoiding conflicts, or own thoughts and memories, or unpleasant conversations, or some situations that are stressful and frightening, but do not carry a real significant threat. However, this strategy is natural for a person when he does not have the strength or sufficient support to face his fear. In addition, the strength of the nervous system and the ability to withstand stress are different for everyone. Yes, statistics are statistics, but each person must feel for himself what is right for him, because someone can be saved by leaving on time. “Donya, if you feel that it is too much for you, we can go to the village to rest and gain strength. But in general, I would not like these monsters to define our lives, separate our family, force us to give up our affairs, plans, meetings and favorite activities,” I offered. “And why do they attack Kyiv so actively in general, if missiles and drones are very expensive, but they are all shot down?”. “It’s hard to say for sure. I think it’s precisely in order for us to be afraid and panicked, so that we agree to give them the captured territories.” “Yeah, it’s just about Ukrainians,” said my almost adult child ironically. We decided that we will go to the village – it’s very nice there in the summer, but only after we finish the things we planned here. Because … theirs, not our fear. Kateryna Tyshchenko, UP Publications in the “View” section are not editorial articles and reflect exclusively the author’s point of view.

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