‘Tell, but don’t convince’: How to help loved ones who have suffered sexual violence during war

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War-related sexual violence is a psychological weapon used by the Russians against Ukraine to humiliate and subjugate civilians and the military. As of June 2023, the Office of the Prosecutor General of Ukraine recorded 210 facts of sexual crimes committed by the occupiers. According to a preliminary assessment by the UN, for every registered case of sexual violence during the war in Ukraine, there are 10-20 unregistered ones. Victims of sexual violence during war can hide the traumatic experience from others for years. They do not tell about their experiences even to the closest people, fearing condemnation, and do not ask for help. Not only because they are afraid or ashamed, but also because they often do not know about the existence of such help or do not believe in its effectiveness. So now it is important for Ukrainians to talk openly about the problem and explain to the rescued that it can be solved. How to understand that a person has experienced sexual violence during the war and needs psychological support? But how and where can you get it? What is war-related sexual violence? Any violent acts of a sexual nature that violate the bodily integrity and inviolability of a person. It is not only rape, but also threats of rape, sexual abuse, forced to expose and witness sexual violence, etc. Occupiers commit sexual crimes during war to demoralize, humiliate, subjugate the civilian population, and to show the military that they cannot always protect their fellow citizens. All this distinguishes war-related sexual violence from domestic and other forms of gender-based violence. What are the victims experiencing? Someone tries to suppress the traumatic experience and live as if nothing happened, but this is an illusion. Others feel devastation, despair, disgust, and self-loathing. It seems that your body does not belong to you, and life will not be the same as before. If you observe such behavior among loved ones or acquaintances, you should talk to them and offer help. How to talk to victims? Choose a place and time that is comfortable for the person. Such conversations should take place privately and confidentially. Do not pressure or impose yourself. Share information, but don’t try to convince. A person has to make a decision on his own. Avoid phrases like: “I’d be in your place…”, “It’s good that you’re alive/alive.” They cross out the emotional experience of the rescued, devalue it and reduce the motivation to ask for help. It is better to say something like this: “I am trying to understand how difficult it is for you, and I want to help you.” Never blame the victims for what happened to them. If they take the blame themselves, remind them that a crime is always solely the fault of the criminal. Victims may perceive coercion as an element of emotional abuse. So if the person does not want to talk about the problem, reacts to your offer to help sharply or aggressively, stop the dialogue and apologize. Be tolerant and respect the personal boundaries of the rescued. How to invite the rescued to seek help? Do not insist that the person absolutely needs it. Asking for help or not, accepting it or not is a personal matter for everyone. If a person is afraid or ashamed to go through rehabilitation on their own, be there for them: accompany them to a psychotherapist and be ready to listen if they want to talk. For this, your desire and internal resource are important. But if there are none (and this is normal), it is better not to make promises. Where can I get help? Share with the victim contacts of reliable psychotherapists or telephone numbers of psychological help lines. They can also turn to the Centers for Helping Survivors (RCS), which were created on the initiative of the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister for European and Euro-Atlantic Integration of Ukraine and with the assistance of the United Nations Population Fund in Ukraine (UNFPA). The centers operate in 11 Ukrainian cities. Namely in Kyiv, Lviv, Zaporizhzhia, Dnipro, Chernivtsi, Mukachevo, Odesa, Kropyvnytskyi, Poltava, Kharkiv and Kherson (mobile centers). Professional psychologists working in the centers provide free and confidential help to all war victims, including those who have experienced war-related sexual violence. CDV specialists will also tell you how and where to apply for humanitarian and medical aid, find temporary shelter and resolve legal issues of internally displaced persons (IDPs). How to overcome an injury and how long does it take? What we have experienced stays with us forever, especially traumatic experiences. But it is quite possible to make it so that it does not cause pain and does not interfere with returning to normal life as soon as possible. How quickly can victims cope with trauma? It depends on many factors: type of nervous system, worldview, protective mechanisms of the psyche, environment, nature of trauma, etc. Some feel relief after a few weeks of therapy. Others need months or even years to learn to trust and build relationships with people again. A psychotherapist will help determine specific terms. Together with the victim, he draws up an individual schedule of therapy and forms goals to be achieved after its completion. How to talk about war-related sexual violence in public? Don’t ask about the details and circumstances of the abuse. Covering such stories with excessive detail and brutal detail can further traumatize victims. After all, it is simply unethical. Never share personal information about victims. Respect their right to privacy and confidentiality. Avoid the word “victims” so as not to show people’s vulnerability to abusers. It is better to say “saved”. For discussions in the media and on other public platforms, the definitions of “victims” or “people who have experienced violence” are also suitable, which state the fact without emotional coloring. After the war, many people with serious traumatic experiences will return to Ukrainian society. It will be unacceptable to remain silent about their injuries. Therefore, we need to get rid of the taboo around the problem of sexual violence as soon as possible, so that we can talk about it openly and tolerantly. Valeria Palii, president of the National Psychological Association, specially for UP. Life Publications in the “View” section are not editorial articles and reflect exclusively the author’s point of view.

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