Divorce or new opportunities for a couple: signs of a crisis in a relationship and how to overcome it

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Almost any children’s fairy tale about the relationship between two people ended with the phrase “they lived happily ever after.” In real life, everything is a little different, and “together” is not always happy and ideal, because every couple has a turning point, which is called a relationship crisis. Everyone who is or has been in a relationship asks themselves, is it realistic to deal with the difficulties and save the relationship? Is a crisis always an irreversible end for two lovers? “Ukrainian Pravda. Life” asked psychotherapist and sexuality consultant Tasa Osadchai about the crisis in relationships, its cause and signs. In this text you will learn: what are the types of crisis in relationships; how to understand that your relationship is in crisis; whether it is possible and how to get out of the crisis; how to understand that a relationship cannot withstand a crisis. Photo: grgroupstock/Depositphotos Crisis happens even in “ideal relationships” Crisis is inevitable for everyone. However, the main criterion for a successful relationship is not ideality, but functionality, says the psychotherapist. “In a functional relationship, everything will be directed towards the idea of ​​’we are together’. Partners recognize that they have difficulties and do everything together to solve the problem as allies, not enemies,” the expert explains. That is, the couple openly talks to each other, shares emotions and feelings. People in a relationship support each other and share common values. Also, these relationships always contribute to the development of both partners. Conflicts often arise in dysfunctional relationships, and partners do not always discuss them. Problems can often be kept silent, but then all resentments and misunderstandings accumulate. As a result, a certain minor situation can provoke a scandal or even a divorce. In such a relationship, communication can often be aggressive and unconstructive. A man and a woman can ignore each other or insult each other. “The depth and severity of the crisis and how the couple will get out of it will depend on whether the relationship is functional or dysfunctional,” the psychotherapist emphasizes. What are the types of crises in relationships? A universal sign of any crisis is that the old one no longer works, and the new one has not been created. There are two types of crisis in a couple interaction: normative and unpredictable, which are associated with traumatic and dramatic events. Usually, regulatory crises are classified by the years lived in the relationship or by the stages of development of the relationship, says Tasya Osadcha. “Normative crises are natural and necessarily occur in all couples,” the psychotherapist notes. For example, a couple may experience their first crisis after a year of dating, because then people often move in together, and living together is radically different from just going out and dating. Then a crisis of three years of relationship, when the couple often have children, and therefore a new rhythm of life, other responsibilities, misunderstandings and even jealousy. The next may be the crisis of seven years, when romance fades and gray weekdays come. And the fourth step, when a couple after more than 10 years together can understand that the expectations regarding marriage or a partner have not been fulfilled, they are connected only by a common home or children. It is better to divide crises by stages of development, because each couple experiences a new stage at different times. So, the first crisis in a relationship occurs when they move from the “meeting” stage to living together, then there are many problems in the harmony of the common life. However, this stage does not always occur after a year of relationship. Someone starts living together after two months, and someone after two years. Also, a crisis can be caused by the birth of the first child or when the child goes to school. Read also: 7 science-proven signs that predict divorce There is another type of crisis associated with traumatic and dramatic events in life. In particular, it is the illness or death of a family member. For example, today a couple may go through a critical period when a man goes to the front, or a woman goes abroad with her children. “If a couple interacts with each other, it is unlikely that they will be able to live together for a long period of time without such different events. Therefore, it will not be possible to bypass the crisis,” the expert emphasizes. Does the lack of new stages in the relationship cause a crisis? It happens that a couple has been dating for ten years, but they do not start living together or legalize the relationship. Or, for example, someone wants a child, and the other is categorically against it. “In such a case, a crisis may arise, but it does not belong to the normative or caused by tragic events. Because it is the direct desire of one of the partners. That is, someone does not want to move in, so the couple lives separately. Or someone does not want children, so there are none “, – explains Tasya Osadcha. However, if a couple wants children, but cannot have them, then this is due to traumatic events. How to understand that your relationship is in crisis In her practice, the psychotherapist encountered various causes of crisis. They are different for each couple, but there is a list of signs that may indicate the presence of a crisis in a couple. Too many conflicts. Quarrels became more frequent and even aggressive. Conflicts can flare up on equal ground. Claims for any reason and unfounded accusations. Little communication. Partners move away from each other, and communication reaches a minimum. Too much independence. The partner refuses to help. There is a reluctance to work together on common problems. There is no interest in joint affairs. The couple is no longer interested in watching movies together, cooking dinner or doing other things that used to unite them. Problems in sex. Someone from the couple does not want an intimate relationship, or sex has become less than before. Photo: webkpd/Depositphotos Bad sex = crisis? More often than not, sex becomes bad as a result of a crisis, that is, it is more of a symptom that something is going wrong. However, bad sex can also be the cause of the crisis, says Tasya Osadcha. “Such a problem is often from the woman’s side. Unfortunately, in our society, it is accepted that a woman should have sex with a man even when she doesn’t want to. That’s why women often tolerate even when they don’t like something,” the expert explains. In this case, it’s not so much about sex as it is about poor communication. The couple did not talk about their needs, and because of this, unpleasant moments arise. The problem of lack or regularity of sex happens because of children, a lot of work and banally because of a lack of time. In this case, according to the expert, the partners understand the reason and look for solutions. “They send the children to their grandparents for a certain period of time, find a babysitter. When it is related to work, they try to adjust the schedules. If the problem is really just the organization of time, but the couple has a desire to be close, then everything can be solved,” – explains Tasya Osadcha. She also recommends that a couple who is determined to get closer, discuss problems and their desires, look for new practices and create the right conditions. In this case, sex can become one of the tools to fight the crisis. Often couples can use “lack of time, work and children” as “excuses”. For such a couple, there will be other excuses to offer a babysitter or adjust schedules to avoid solving the problem. Read also: A person is not property. Why break up in war and how to prevent it Can sex without discussing problems hurt the situation Having sex does not mean being emotionally close to a person. When a couple continues to live a sexual life without discussion, the crisis does not disappear, the psychotherapist notes. “In crisis periods, when there was sex (with the consent of both people – ed.), then often one of the couple may have the feeling that he was used or raped. This can also intensify the crisis,” says Tasya Osadcha. Movies and TV shows like to glorify sex as a way to reconcile after a fight, but this is not a good development. “Due to the large scale of the emotional and hormonal “swing” makes sex very exciting. And then people can unconsciously initiate a fight to get emotional sex,” the expert explains. According to her, it can be as an additional element of rapprochement, but not as the only way of reconciliation. If a couple has sex only after quarrels, this is a wake-up call. The psychotherapist adds that sex is not a basic physiological need, as men like to interpret it. So the phrase that “men need sex, and women can get by” is absurd. “People don’t die because they don’t have sex. According to the modern classification, sexual intercourse belongs to the “reward”. Yes, it is a cool component of a relationship, but it is not necessary. Because there are asexual couples, there are those who do without sex,” explains the specialist. Does the crisis lead to divorce? “In therapy, I like to use a metaphor from geometry: the sum of the angles of a triangle is 180°, that is, the angles may change, but the sum will always be the same. It’s like what happens in a couple during a crisis,” says Tasya Osadcha. During a crisis in a relationship, the system that two people have worked out changes. If the couple has a sufficient reserve of flexibility, then the way out of the crisis can be in the direction of development. This happens on the condition that the couple experiences the crisis well. That is, when both understand the situation, look for ways to solve the problem, not forgetting about their physical and mental health. Also, when a couple takes experience from this situation and learns from mistakes. This is how something new, deeper and more interesting appears in the relationship, explains the specialist. However, if the reserve of flexibility is not enough, the crisis can end in divorce. There are still cases when no one in the couple has decided anything, and people continue to live with the conflict for decades and quietly hate each other. Read also: 10 pieces of advice you shouldn’t give to people going through a divorce How to overcome a crisis in a relationship It is clear that there is no “magical advice” that will help you get out of a crisis. In order to save the relationship, each couple finds “their” solution to the problem, which depends on the development and type of crisis. However, there are some universal tips that should be followed in relationships, not only during a crisis: Communicate openly. Talk to each other about your problems. Listen to your partner’s opinion and don’t forget about yourself. Don’t be afraid of conflicts. It is necessary to learn how to conflict effectively even before the beginning of the crisis. That is, there should be open communication, where both parties discuss their needs and desires, hear and understand each other. Such conflicts can be emotional, but not aggressive and without physical and emotional violence. The expert emphasizes that conflict is not a bad thing, but on the contrary, it is an opportunity where a new idea can appear. Be patient and respectful of each other. Not always everything meets our expectations, and working on a crisis is a long and difficult process. It is important to remember why and for whom you want to save the relationship. Don’t run away from the problem. Often, one or both of the couple start working hard, drink alcohol or start romantic relationships elsewhere, but this way the crisis will not go away, and on the contrary, conflicts may intensify. Contact a specialist – a family psychotherapist. Both family and individual therapy help to understand the situation and get a new perspective on the problem. However, it only works if a person wants and is ready to take certain steps to resolve the conflict. Read also: Sorrow, resentment and guilt. How to save a long-distance relationship despite a dispute Photo: webkpd/Depositphotos When is a relationship not going through a crisis? Often people ask how to understand that it is worth putting an end to a relationship that is in crisis? According to the psychotherapist, the end of the relationship occurs when one of the couple is not ready to take certain steps to resolve the situation. Also if each of the couple sees the solution to the crisis in different ideas that have nothing in common. In this case, it is impossible to reach an agreement here. For example, one of the couple says that you need to go to work to earn money, and then everything will be resolved in the relationship. The other partner categorically disagrees with this opinion. “Imagine that there are ten steps between a couple, which they must equally overcome in order to meet. That is, if each of them takes five steps to meet each other, then everything will work out,” explains Tasya Osadcha. However, if one person did five and the other partner did one, then the relationship is not working. “In such a case, you can follow that I did everything that depends on me, and the other person just took one step and that’s it. Then you analyze and understand that you need to end the relationship,” says the specialist. Read also: “One Magical Night”: Psychologist Snizhana Dobromilska talks about adultery without boring notations, especially for UP. Life

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