Does hatred of Russians harm children? Psychologists explain – Publications

When a child wishes death (even an enemy), it can sound creepy to adults. Up to the point of thinking whether war will make a child cruel and whether parents need to censor their own statements about the enemy.

When is hatred normal and when is it harmful? What can be hidden behind it? How to talk about it with a child? Psychologists of the “Voices of Children” foundation explain.

Oksana Pisareva

Hate is an intense, negatively colored feeling that is considered destructive. It is expressed by disgust, hostility, disgust, the desire to inflict pain in order to take revenge. But what is important is that hatred does not arise out of nowhere. This is a high level of indifference to the situation.

Can we talk about the child’s hatred of Russians? In young children, this is a faster repetition of their parents.

Children hear that the enemy is harming us, that he is the cause of shelling, instability, that someone close to him is absent because he is at war with him. The child sees that people around him are angry, people hate him. What parents and friends say about it.

However, you should not focus on the hatred that the child feels, or give an assessment: it is bad or good. Because if it’s bad, why do we all do it?

It is important for children to say everything as it is, but in very simple language. They don’t understand metaphors. We need to build more complex categories in their minds, think together: what does it mean to be kind? What is evil?

Wishing death to another person is not a category of good, because every person has the right to life and freedom. But we have a war that we did not start. War is not good for man. Because it destroys, kills. We are angry at the war situation. Angry, but capable of love. And this can be learned through the love of others: parents and loved ones.

Should I worry about excessive hatred in a child? Sometimes parents say that the child is too aggressive, but what does “too much” mean?

We cannot judge feelings. They are either there or they are not. If there are, we try to identify them, find out their nature and whether they have a destructive nature (tantrums, aggressive uncontrolled actions, self-harm, isolation; in children, physiological manifestations – constipation, sleep disorders, eating behavior).

If it is destructive, we are looking for ecological ways of discharge. Although feelings arise regardless of our desires, we still choose how to react to them.

It is important that the child has the opportunity to speak. If we forbid the expression of anger, of course the child will stop, but the anger will not disappear anywhere.

Allow the child this feeling: “Listen, it’s okay to be angry. But let’s figure out how it affects you.”

The task of parents in this particularly stressful and traumatic period of war is to remain a support, to talk about feelings simply and not to disperse their anxiety and control.

Life changes every second, it is important to trust the child’s nature. If she is emotional and expresses anger, don’t stop her, it’s better to teach her not to get emotional and to distinguish feelings: “You say you hate. Who and for what?”.

Remember that a child who grows up in love and attention from adults will not grow up cruel.

Olena Ivanova

Children, especially small ones, are a reflection of the world of adults, and their aggression is a response to what is happening around them.

At the beginning of the full-scale war, the saying about the Russian warship was everywhere. It united us, reflected our indignation, gave us the opportunity to release our emotions and not feel helpless when the ground was falling from under our feet. This aggression and hatred helped us survive.

If now it is heard everywhere that we will not forgive and take revenge, this cannot escape the children. Just as parents cannot pretend that those who kill our fellow citizens are good. Therefore, if you feel hatred, but say “I am a pacifist”, children will definitely read it, and trust will suffer. And this is much more dangerous for a child than hatred.

In general, it is normal to feel hatred for those who came to us with weapons, who shoot and kill. We allow children these emotions, but note that war itself is bad. This is how we return the frame of normality.

Hate doesn’t have to destroy us and it can’t be everywhere. If the child does not get out of the state of hatred, if he is in constant tension, irritated, if even a small thing causes too strong feelings, it can be destructive.

What can an adult do? To say: “You can get angry, but it takes a long time, you don’t have the energy. Let’s try to deal with it.”

The next step is to let the aggression spill out: if you get so angry, hate so much, here’s a pear/pillow/old toy for you – hit, jump, play war. Such games are normal for children. It’s just that if before the fascists were the enemy, now they are the Russians.

If it’s young kids, we let them draw whatever they want. Don’t tell them to draw flowers instead of tanks and don’t be afraid that everything will be black or blood-colored.

Even if the child draws something that scares you, you should accept it. If you see rockets in the picture, suggest adding shelter or troops that those rockets shoot down.

Ask to tell about your drawing, ask if the child likes it. This process can also help with hate attacks.

In my work, I observe that children have become more stable now. During classes, they first draw good things: meadows, a forest, a river, a walk with their parents. Something about safety and life. Only when it is drawn and there is still time, rockets or tanks appear, and they also draw a lot about Putin and what they would do with him. This is how they express aggression.

And if we do not forbid it, but support it, say that yes, we are really angry with the Russians, we really hate them, we cannot forgive them for what happened in our lives, then the hatred does not become too strong.

We also need to understand that fear can be behind aggression. For example, the fear of one’s own death: “If the Russians are killing Ukrainians, then I can also die because of them. Let them die better.” This is such a defense mechanism.

We cannot say that these are abnormal reactions. This world is not normal, and the child has to defend himself somehow. We, adults, should, wherever possible, return normality, joy, safety, and trust to her world. At least in the family circle.

Hope Shvadchak, specially for UP. Life