Forget about pity. How to communicate with the military in everyday life, family and at work
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Supported by Favbet Foundation
October 16, 2023
Civilians and soldiers seem to be in two different realities, so it is often difficult for them to find a common language.
Soldiers coming home on short leave or returning from injury often encounter strange communication, injury stigmatization, and inappropriate questions.
Psychologists note that destructive communication can lead to self-isolation of military personnel: they will avoid conversations with relatives or friends, and will be less eager to be in society.
Psychologist Roman Zinenko, HR manager Serhiy Koshyl, and curator of the Favbet Foundation Marianna Kovenya explained how to speak correctly with the military.
The material is released with support
Favbet Foundation.
Do not ask stupid questions and do not “extract” answers
Psychologist Roman Zinenko does not advise asking questions about the service (“How was it there? What did you do?”), duties or comrades (“How many people did you kill?”, “And how are ours?”, etc.).
Roman Zinenko, psychologist
“There is essentially one goal in war – to survive. That is why the psyche and body often throw all their efforts at it. And the connection with the outside world fades. To stressful situations are added fatigue, personal experiences, suppressed emotions, etc. All this has a complex effect on what the soldier says and how he does it“, he notes.
The expert reminds that the military carries out orders, combat missions, eliminates the enemy, and protects the entire country from attack. Therefore, it is not yet time for reflections or memories for them. In addition, some topics may be difficult for them.
“Military servicemen get used to civilian life, because they have a different reality in the war. Therefore, communication in everyday life depends very much on the degree of trust in relationships. A person himself will tell about what he considers necessary when the time comes“, says psychologist Roman Zinenko.
He notes that the military in everyday life can remain tense and keep the situation under control. However, you should not rush with recommendations for relaxation or “letting go” of the situation.
“Each serviceman can return to normal life in individual terms. However, a lot depends on his psycho-emotional state“, the specialist notes.
4 rules of communication at home
1. Accept the opinion and explain to the children (if necessary) that the man is not the same as he was. He needs to be learned, his preferences may change, communication, sleep patterns, etc.
2. If there are short-term outbursts of aggression, you should step back and give the person space. “A military man can react more acutely at certain moments. However, there is no need to rush to “help” him and “do good”, – emphasizes the psychologist.
3. Do not make sudden movements, do not wake up and warn about “invasion” of their space (for example, when you enter the room).
4. Involve in normal processes only at will.
“If a person has come home on vacation, he should be given the right to decide whether he wants to do something in everyday life, or wants the opposite – sleep, silence and understanding“, says Roman.
He advises talking about everyday things and being happy that this person is now nearby.
Show empathy, not sympathy
The psychologist emphasizes: you can’t feel sorry for a soldier, and you can’t use phrases like “I understand you”, “Everything will be fine”, “You are my hero”.
In conversation, it is better to use: “I am proud of you”, “I can do this now because you protect me”, “You are my protector”.
“You can approach a military man on the street: without sudden movements, say hello and express gratitude for what he does. But it is worth generalizing, because in reality you know absolutely nothing about this person – neither about experience, nor about duties, etc.“, says the psychologist.
Tips for communicating with the military:
1. Let the person speak.
2. Do not do anything unpredictable.
3. No criticism, advice or shortcuts.
The psychologist also notes that you should not help people without their permission or request.
“In general, it is necessary to get rid of the prejudice that a soldier is some other person who needs a different attitude or help. Even soldiers after being wounded are people. And everyone has the right to ask for help or do something on their own.” – notes the expert.
He adds that this also applies to fighters after being wounded, with amputated limbs, burns, etc. When in contact with such soldiers, first of all, you should maintain eye contact, but do not stare, because avoiding the gaze can be interpreted as fear or pity.
What employers should consider
“Demobilized military personnel are equal participants in the labor market, like the rest of the candidates. The question of dividing these categories should not be in principle. The only difference is that during the service, the candidate may have partially lost work skills, which the employer must approach with understanding and giving time for adaptation“, explains the company’s HR manager, Serhiy Koshyl.
He adds that the military has highly valued personal qualities such as teamwork, results orientation and discipline.
During the interview, Serhiy Koshyl advises to avoid questions related to military service, because they may be inappropriate.
Serhiy Koshil, HR manager
“It is also not possible to use questions that may even indirectly hint at the assumption that the war may have affected the physical or psychological state of the candidate, because this is one of the elements of discrimination.”says the HR manager.
The specialist emphasizes the need to create equal conditions for all company employees. Because excessive attention can be perceived as patronage and create inconvenience for the ex-military and other employees.
The curator of the Favbet Foundation charity Marianna Kovenia is convinced that most of the fighters who are now forced to demobilize will not sit on the sidelines. But their life and military experience is very valuable, in particular for charitable foundations that help soldiers.
Marianna Kovenia, curator of the Favbet Foundation
“Of course, psychological and physical rehabilitation are important first of all. But after recovery, work and the ability to find oneself are the basis for the further healthy life of our soldiers. Globally, the employment of military personnel in charitable foundations that support the Armed Forces is another way to bring victory closer.”– says Marianna Kovenya.
In total, during the war, with the support of the Favbet Foundation, the Ukrainian army received more than 220 cars and more than 115 drones.
However, the main donor of the Favbet Foundation charity fund is the leading Ukrainian iGaming company. This company also helps the military at the front. For example, it was this company that allocated 57,450,000 hryvnias for the purchase of 53 new SUVs for the “Drone Army” strike companies, which are already working at the front.
New SUVs for the “Drone Army” strike companies
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