How to help a child survive separation from his father when he is abroad? Advice from psychologists

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Due to the full-scale war, more than half a million Ukrainian children went abroad. They are mostly accompanied by women, because men are conscripts. However, there are cases when a woman is at the front, and a man is with children, or both parents are at war, while the child lives with other relatives. Child psychologists Kateryna Goltzberg and Anna Pokrovska explain how to help children survive separation from a loved one. If the father (or mother) is relatively safe Photo: Sodel_Vladyslav/Depositphotos If the child is abroad, and one of the parents is in Ukraine and has the opportunity to communicate – first of all, you need to ensure constant communication and make it informal. Talk about complex topics, about feelings, about things that are fascinating, and not just “how are you, what are you doing,” advises Kateryna Holzberg. “When we talk about feelings, it can be painful for us, but it makes us close. We want children to grow up in love, to know what attachment is,” the psychologist adds. If communication is formal, relatives may move away. And detailed and deep conversations will help maintain warm contact. “In this regard, it is easier for teenagers to keep in touch, because there is a telephone, the Internet, and you can call each other every day. You can do certain rituals together – read a book or watch a movie together online, and then discuss each chapter via video link,” adds child psychologist Anna Pokrovska . During separation, the child should also have space to express emotions. There can be tantrums “where’s dad? I’ll go to dad.” “We explain that there are such circumstances and it is impossible. We say that I am responsible for you now, I take care of you. We are in danger and I want to protect you, so we are here for now. It is easier for children to experience events if they know a deadline . We don’t know him for sure, so it’s hard to say. But we can say, “let’s not raise this issue for a few months or six months.” Or, “we’re here before school starts, and we can come to Ukraine on September 1,” says Kateryna Holtzberg. If the circumstances change and the return is postponed, it is necessary to talk about it again. The main thing is not to voice unrealistic plans to the child. “When we say that the war will end in a day, tomorrow – it is very bad, the child lives like on needles, on suitcases. They need to be unpacked and live in conditions that are real,” the psychologist adds. Read also: Sadness, resentment and guilt. How to preserve long-distance relationships despite disputes. In conditions of war and forced displacement, a child has to overcome additional difficult conditions. It is normal if he can no longer study as well as before, is not as active. It is important to give the child motivation, but not to demand too much, adds Anna Pokrovska. To distract from thoughts about separation, the child should be provided with interesting activities, hobbies, and entertainment. You can engage in what the child liked to do together with the father, who is not around – if the mother is in the resource, adds Kateryna Golzberg. Read also: The child wants Putin dead: is it normal? If one of the parents is at the front Photo: IgorVetushko/Depositphotos If one of the parents is at the front and does not have the opportunity to communicate all the time – it is desirable to send at least some warm text messages (“Remember how we fished? We will definitely go to that pond”) It is important that there is hope for the future and pleasant memories of the past . The idea of ​​a diary will also be relevant here – you can write down everything that a child wants to tell a loved one after returning from the war. In a situation where one of the parents is in danger, it is even more difficult for the child than when it is just a separation due to moving. A child may be afraid that dad will die, see disturbing news on the Internet and feel fear. “We cannot guarantee the child that everything will be 100% fine. But we say that we believe in it and dad is also doing everything for this. He tries to be strong, alert. There is no need for constant expressions of “everything will be fine, don’t worry” to say. It annoys a person more than it soothes. You have to be honest with children, they appreciate it,” says Kateryna. Photo: Silkstocking/Depositphotos In the conditions of separation from a military father, children feel anxiety, fear, sometimes they begin to experience loss prematurely, adds Anna Pokrovska. There is a myth that if you prepare for the worst, the pain will be easier to survive, and it will work as a “vaccination”. But psychologists emphasize that this strategy does not work. It is important to give hope for the best – although we understand that a person can be injured or die in war. “We have to understand this, but we don’t need to prepare the child for this, otherwise he will be anxious all the time. Neurotic mothers have this problem – to show the worst option. But we have to face problems as they come. We stop living when we expect something bad. The best strategy is I won’t think about it today, I’ll think about it then if something really bad happens,” says Kateryna Holzberg. If the child simply thinks about various situations and calmly tolerates them, he does not need to be specially distracted. Existential thoughts about life and death are an important part of human growth. If the child already has ruminations (obsessive thoughts), sleep or eating disorders, the child has become silent, numb – you need to consult a psychologist. “And it is very important to dream. To say that the war will definitely end, there will be victory and we will return home again,” adds Anna Pokrovska. Read also: “I’m afraid that dad will be killed in the war.” How to talk with a child about fears and help them perceive reality

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