How to take care of your own psychological state when caring for a seriously ill person

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On board the plane, it is not for nothing that they advise in an emergency situation to put on an oxygen mask first, and only then to help other people. If you do the opposite, you will not be able to save yourself or others.

In everyday life, this rule works the same, especially if you and your loved ones are going through a difficult period. The illness of a loved one and caring for him often exhausts the caregiver, so he must be able to take care of himself first of all.

How to avoid burnout and maintain a sense of joy and fullness of life? How to help yourself when you are experiencing exhaustion and constant sadness? What techniques, books, and apps can help with this?

Understanding the emotions of others: how do elderly people with reduced mobility feel

In order to cope more easily with the care of a person with reduced mobility, first of all it is necessary to understand what psychological state he is in and what emotions he is experiencing. After all, the appearance of illness, limitations of usual life, the need for outside help, which fall on the shoulders of such a person, clearly reflect on his psychological state.

She feels confused, anxious and afraid that she will never be able to return to her previous life. It is difficult for a person to re-identify himself: “who am I?”, “what was I?”, “what have I become?”. She can be overly emotional or, on the contrary, withdraw into herself and try to isolate herself from the world.

How should the caregiver act in this case? First of all: do not take other people’s negative emotions, sadness or dissatisfaction at your own expense. Due to illness and stress, a person may not want to communicate as before. And that’s normal.

In this case, you need to give her time and just be there – this is the so-called healing presence. It is not necessary to ask in detail how the person is feeling or what is bothering them – instead, ask about the person’s basic needs, based on their current wishes or usual preferences: “I will make myself some tea. Do it for you too?” or “What would you like me to do for you now?“. These are small steps that will prevent your loved one from feeling lonely, and will help you understand that your care is important and valuable.

Your emotions are normal

When caring for a person with reduced mobility, it is worth remembering that you can experience a whole range of emotions, and each of them is completely normal. After all, you are in an unusual and rather difficult situation – for example, when a loved one loses his orientation in time and space, has memory problems, or due to an illness can no longer cope with usual things on his own, such as care or hygiene.

You may feel stressed, irritable, desperate, or sad. It may seem to you that the situation is absolutely hopeless, and you will constantly be in a state of apathy.

The most important recipe from this: do not be too demanding of yourself. Don’t put too much on your shoulders, don’t expect iron endurance and a constant sense of resourcefulness from yourself, don’t try to meet society’s expectations – they say you’re a perfect son or daughter who copes with everything on your own and devotes everything to taking care of a loved one.

It is important to be able to notice and accept various emotions and feelings associated with caring for a person with reduced mobility, and then to redirect these thoughts in the here-and-now moment.

Remind yourself of what lies within your control, what you can influence, and what, unfortunately, cannot be changed. For example, you are unlikely to help cure a chronic disease, completely remove symptoms or change the behavior and reactions of a native person. But within your control is your healthy sleep, good physical and mental well-being, support and understanding.

Chronic stress: how to recognize and cope in time

Stress does not make itself felt in the early stages. You notice the symptoms already when it has settled firmly in your life and body. One of the signs is desensitization – that is, reduced sensitivity. It seems to you that you are growing a “thick skin”, you stop feeling the full range of emotions, your empathy decreases. This is a protective reaction of your psyche, which has been under stress for a very long time.

What to do with it? The first thing is to realize that stress does not disappear from the body just like that. It stays with us and makes itself felt by tension in the muscles, pains in the neck, back, and joints. Our sleep suffers, we communicate less with our relatives, we want to close ourselves off from the world, and we also become more irritable, often get sick, find it difficult to cope with usual tasks and make decisions.

Next, start paying more attention to your condition, your feelings. Don’t belittle your needs, thinking that “someone else has it worse, and I’ll endure it.” Don’t put off healthy sleep, walking and eating well, seeking social support and healthy habits for later.

Before taking care of a loved one who needs your care, take care of yourself. This is exactly the rule of the “oxygen mask”: we need a resource to fill others with a resource. Not with the last strength, and not sacrificially giving your last strength for the benefit of care.

Self-help techniques: how to improve your condition now

Even what we call “grumpiness” can be a manifestation of a mild form of depression. The first thing that signals it is a persistent depressed state that lasts at least two weeks. It is not just a mild sadness that can be quickly switched to other emotions. It’s a persistent low mood that affects your ability to enjoy things you used to enjoy, and a persistent feeling of fatigue that doesn’t go away even after getting enough sleep.

Everyday activity may also be disturbed: banal chores around the house, in social interaction, work, education, personal life.

If you notice symptoms of depression in yourself, be sure to consult a specialist: psychologist, psychotherapist, psychiatrist. In no case do not engage in self-medication with medicinal products.

Stress management skills and self-help techniques are also important, which can come in handy when you first notice the first “red flags”: anxiety, distraction, inattention, irritability, desire to isolate, sleep disturbances.

One of these principles is called mindfulness, or the practice of self-awareness. This is the principle of acceptance and commitment, which is based on the fact that pain and discomfort are, unfortunately, an integral part of our lives. Many events that happen to us are inevitable. We cannot change them, but we can learn step by step to accept them as part of the reality in which we live.

Ago mindfulness essentially translates as priceless awareness. That is, I accept the current moment here and now – as it is. Grounding or unhooking techniques come in handy for this.

Grounding techniques – it’s about how to cope with the emotional storm in the form of anxiety inside us. We cannot remove the factor that caused it, but we can reduce the degree of emotional reaction using various exercises, such as:

• pay attention to your body, the sensations in it;
• slow down, connect with your own body, feel and control your breath, feel your body. Scientific fact – by doing breathing exercises, we directly control our neurobiological reactions;
• as soon as you have connected with your own body and normalized your breathing, pay attention to the world around you: what surrounds you, what you feel, what you can touch, what you can taste, touch or smell. Do it as consciously as possible.

Hook release technique will help to disconnect from harmful, destructive thoughts. Do not condemn yourself for them, do not pretend that they do not exist. And to be able to realize that you are “hooked” by this thought, to be able to clearly name the feelings and emotions that arose in you from it.

And then – redirect your attention to what you are doing at this moment: cooking, talking with friends, reading a book. Switch your attention to life in the moment – this way you will “unhook” from the hook of negative thoughts. After all, because of all the worries and pain, we often do not have time to notice the simple joys that make up our lives: delicious food, sunny weather, pleasant music, delicious aromas, favorite flowers.

You can find more information about these and other techniques at WHO manual “Important skills in times of stress”. In addition to comics and textual descriptions of the exercises, there are embedded QR codes and audio recordings to guide you through the exercises.

Also, pay attention to the mobile application BetterMe Mental Health: there you can create a personalized self-help program, listen to short meditations or take a course, perform breathing exercises, listen to special sounds for better sleep. The app will also send you daily exercise and self-care reminders.

Your “fuel”: sleep, physical activity and healthy food

Numerous studies confirm that physical activity is an effective way of self-help – on the same level as medication and other interventions. This is exactly the method that helps your body get rid of stress and not accumulate it in itself.

Choose the type of physical activity that brings you real pleasure. Walks in the fresh air, training in the hall, dancing, cycling – each person will have his own method. The main thing is to do it systematically and do not postpone it for later.

Also, don’t forget the importance of daily routine: healthy sleep, nutrition, physical activity. Timely examinations by a doctor, if necessary – consultations of a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist. All this is your “fuel” that will help you feel good and have the resources to care for others.

And remember: you go through such extremely difficult events in your life with dignity. You deserve to be that person who not only gives, but also fills himself up, restores his own well-being. Always strive to be a good friend to yourself, not just to others.

Halyna Naumenko, a medical psychologist, psychotherapist, trainer and WHO supervisor within the framework of the “All-Care” project, which was initiated by the Ukrainian-Swiss project “Action for Health”, especially for the UP. Life

Publications in the “View” section are not editorial articles and reflect exclusively the author’s point of view.

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