It is a conscious decision to love a child. The experience of a family that adopted a 7-year-old boy during the war

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In early 2023, lawyer Iryna Zaremba and her husband adopted a 7-year-old boy deprived of parental care. Everything that the woman is doing now, in one way or another, is aimed at ensuring that as many Ukrainian children as possible, who live in orphanages and boarding schools, are brought up in families. She is also the author of the site #Ourchildren, where she posts information that could be useful to potential adopters, guardians and caregivers. Iryna shared her experience and talked about adoption myths that can complicate the process. Next is her direct speech. A trip to boarding school divided life into “before” and “after”. The story began on St. Nicholas Day in 2016. I was offered to go to a children’s home in the Kyiv region with volunteers. That trip divided my life into “before” and “after”. I was sitting on the couch in the dormitory when several boys surrounded me. They were all very hungry, but not for the sweets and gifts we brought, but for live communication. It was a great discovery for me. I left the boarding school exhausted, angry and emotional at the same time. Because she understood that these children remain behind the walls. But children should not live in isolation! And then they go out into the world and what can be expected from them, who will teach them how to live in this society? All photos provided by Iryna The boarding school environment is “hazing”, often breaking delicate and calm souls. At first, my husband was not ready to accept a child into the family, so I just did what I could on my own. In July 2022, he recorded the first adoption podcast with fellow lawyer Yevgenia Magrish. This is, in fact, advocacy for the upbringing of adopted children in their families. Studying the topic, acquiring and maintaining more and more connections in this field, I approached my own adoption story. But even now, when a child already lives with us, work with other children, with charitable organizations is only gaining momentum. Read also: How to help children who were left without adult care during the war? How to adopt a child during the war My husband and I decided to start the adoption process a year ago, on his birthday. And on January 17, 2023, the child already crossed the threshold of our house. Despite the war period in the country, everything happened very quickly and some things seemed to be moved by someone “from above”. On September 9, we already collected a complete package of documents, and here a colleague sends me information: “Did you see? You can apply for adoption through the public services portal DIYA!”. We scanned the entire package of documents, registered and submitted. Information about this service was published on the same day and we may have become the first to apply in this way. However, on September 12, we went to the children’s service (hereafter SSD – author), because we still did not know whether this service had worked, but they saw our application on the portal. The inspection of living conditions also went quickly. They waited a long time only for the beginning of studies, because currently there are many people willing to take children into the family. But then they got into the first integrated group, where they taught alternative parents: future adoptive parents, guardians, representatives of other categories. Intensively, in just one week, we went through the entire program. For comparison, training usually lasts three months. Yes, we were pretty exhausted by the end, but we totally immersed ourselves in the program and it was a fantastic experience. Iryna with her husband and adopted boy After that, the children’s questionnaires were viewed on the website of the Ministry of Social Policy. When I called to find out more about the children, it turned out that they are now abroad, so getting to know each other is impossible (ed. – from June 1, 2023, this procedure is already available remotely). Others are already in foster families or family-type children’s homes. And for us, it is impossible to break the child’s psyche if he has people whom he considers to be parents, to whom he is accustomed. It is unfortunate that on the website of the Ministry of Social Policy, access to the questionnaires of children who actually already live in families is open on the same terms as to others. Everyone wants to take the little ones, no one took the seven-year-old. Since I was on the topic of adoption, I knew that the absolute majority of families want to take one child under the age of five, so you can wait years for it. Therefore, we immediately declared that we are ready to take a family group of up to two children under the age of 12. And two weeks after graduation, we were sent our son’s questionnaire (since the child is undergoing adaptation in our family, we do not yet display his photo or mention his name in the press). Such a cute boy… I won’t say that I fell in love at first sight. I just saw a child who needed a family. And we went to the SSD, where his case was located. The boy spent less than a year in the “residential system”, he was almost completely healthy. But he was not interesting to any of the candidates just because he was seven. Before going to get acquainted, we talked to many responsible persons who knew this child. Because then the worst thing would be to come, get to know the child, give him hope, and not come again. One of the risks was quite serious: the boy remembers his own mother very well. He waited for her, but she never came to him… Therefore, we were warned that for at least a year he would constantly talk about her and compare us with her. From training, we learned well that there is a “pocket” for blood parents and we will never become them. But we have our own – we are the parents who will always be there, ready to take care of him every day. And no one else will claim this “pocket”. Iryna and her son Read also: Problems that are not talked about: what families who have adopted children face. Quality adaptation requires hard work. Our boy is an extremely bright child. He is kind, compassionate and extremely curious. My son likes all the activities we offer: football, basketball, skiing, badminton, and just walking the dog in the park. During the time during which he lives with us, the son has grown a lot. Maybe he didn’t even grow up, but straightened his shoulders: he plays sports, gets to know the world, and studies. Everything is more difficult in education, because no one taught a child to work mentally. He is now 8 years old, but he cannot read and write because there is significant pedagogical negligence. The boy had pedagogical neglect, says Iryna. We were very lucky to have a school teacher who perfectly understands what inclusiveness is and allowed us to form a special approach to our son. We work with him like a child who is just being prepared for school. We really have progress. At the same time, I cannot express how beautifully he draws! He has a beautiful handwriting. Now we are learning letters and the child is already reading syllables. We are very proud of the results. And he likes it when he succeeds. Progress would have been greater, but first we dealt with health: bypassed all the doctors and performed an operation on the eyelid. In my son, it did not fully open, and since the eye did not need to work normally, it could become blind. For this, we turned to a German professor who specializes in plastic surgery for children and now my son is undergoing postoperative rehabilitation. Now both his eyes are open and he can see well. We also go to the speech therapist, because my son did not pronounce all sibilants, “l” and “r”. He has already learned to speak many letters. According to Iryna, her son draws beautifully. You have no right to break up. During these 6 months, my son taught us patience and unconditional love. If you do not accept this child with unconditional love and do not have enough patience, then you can fail. Then he will begin to think that something is wrong with him, that he is not accepted here, and this cannot be allowed. My husband and I have an incredible circle of support – our family, which accepted the child from the first days and became a support and help in adapting it to a new environment. We are also surrounded by highly professional specialists in various fields. And I kept telling them that if it were my own child, I would hardly be able to show the same level of patience. It was difficult to pass the stage when the child relaxed in the family and began to show all his worst traits (after the stage of the so-called “honeymoon”), provoking you at every step, consciously or not. Sometimes, emotions poured over the edge, admits Iryna Buvalo, emotions poured over the edge. Then she locked herself in the bathroom and sobbed into a towel so that her son would not hear. And then – she wiped her tears, gathered her strength, went out and held herself in her hands – as if nothing had happened. It happened that the son behaved aggressively, deliberately banging the door on the wall, the plaster flew off, and then he came to dad and said: “Look what I did in your house!”. My husband coped very well with such situations, in particular in this one he said: “It’s just a wall. You’ll clean it up later.” Unconditional love for an adopted child does not come naturally. It is a conscious decision to love a child. But if it weren’t for the appearance of my son, I wouldn’t have developed so much patience and willingness to love a person, no matter what. Read also: After the cellars and the death of 12 relatives. How psychologists bring back to life children whose destinies were crippled by Russia Myths about adoption for those who are going to adopt a child Myth 1. My love for the child is enough for us all to be happy. When a person expects only that he will love the child and that will be enough, he creates unjustified expectations. You need very serious training, specialists to whom you will turn and listen. And you need to study, read, watch what experts advise, because it prepares for the worst and teaches you to cope with it. “Only love for an adopted child is enough for us all to be happy” Myth 2. All children from boarding schools are crippled. It is not the children who are terrible, but the conditions in which they have fallen. Yes, there are injured and difficult children. But which children are easy? Blood? It’s just a different level of complexity, tools and specialists to help deal with it. It is not the children and boarding schools that are “terrible”, but the conditions in which they have fallen. Myth 3. My gifts will make the child in the boarding school a little happier. No, no gifts will do that. If you have a heart that needs to help orphans and orphans, then find ways to help them. For example, find foster families or family-type children’s homes, find out about the real needs of the family, with which you can help. If you are not ready to take a child into the family, but long for personal communication with him, consider mentoring. Do not believe in this form of communication – look at which charitable foundations or organizations work for children. Choose the one you like, see what projects it is currently implementing and help. I went through all the stages. Starting with gifts. Maybe that’s why I now know it’s wrong. Gifts will not make a child in a boarding school happier Myth 4. Adoption is impossible during wartime. Not quite so. In Ukraine, a child can be adopted where the courts work. After all, it is the judge who makes the final decision on placing a child in a new family. But in addition, during the war, many difficulties arise for parents who want to adopt a child. For example, when a boarding school is evacuated, a child’s documents are lost and must be restored. All this delays the time of settling the child in a new family. Iryna and her son Myth 5. You cannot adopt an orphan child who was evacuated abroad. Until June 1 of this year, it really could not be done. Because adoptive parents need to “establish the first contact” with the child, i.e. get to know each other. But now Resolution of the Cabinet of Ministers No. 576 has entered into force and this procedure can be done online. Representatives of the Ukrainian consulate or embassy, ​​as well as other responsible bodies, must be present with the child. If everything goes well, the adoptive parents are issued documents for temporary guardianship and they can go to pick up the child abroad. And when they return home, the parents will have three months to apply for adoption. Now you can “establish the first contact” with a child online. The material was prepared as part of the UNICEF project in Ukraine “Caring families for 1000 children”, which is implemented by the Public Union “Ukrainian Network for Children’s Rights”. Kostyantyn Katyshev, specially for UP.Zhyttia

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